Sticks And Stones

Ever since I was a little girl, a certain phrase has been instilled in me..."sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." And while most children just believe that's a fun saying or something to tell their "enemies" to get them to leave them alone, I guess you could say I took it to heart.

I believe the first time my mama told it to me, it was probably over something my older sister had said to me. We fought all the time and were constantly saying hurtful things to each other. Because she was older and a little bit wiser, she always had the better comebacks and I was the one who usually took the brunt of our spats. Who would have known that the fighting would have lasted somewhere around 20 years? I'm sure there will be more arguments to come, but as far as hurtful things go, we're pretty much done with that.

Then grade school started and as you probably noticed, I put quotations around the word "enemies" in the first paragraph. That's because as most of you know that in grade school, your best friend is your friend one day and your enemy the next. And as I also mentioned taking that phrase to heart...did you think it was easy as that? That I was a 5-year-old who could just let anything roll off her shoulders without a care in the world? No, I was hurt emotionally. And as most little girls who eventually grow up to be teenagers, I learned that the emotional pain only got worse. I absolutely hated high school, I had been in home school for 6th and 7th grade and when I went back to public school at 13, I was ready to crawl under a rock and die. All of my old friends just weren't the same, I wasn't the same, I had spent 2 years with adults for the majority of the time and everyone in my class seemed way immature.

Okay, so that's straying a little from the path, but I had to paint you the pretty little picture. Now I must say, I didn't have a horrible life in high school, my life was pretty awesome for the most part, but I just couldn't get over how words could come out of people's mouths without a second thought as to how it would affect someone else. And I have to admit, sometimes I was the person who didn't give the second thought. So once again, this wasn't something that resonated immediately, it took quite a bit of time.

Eventually, by the time I got to college--which come to find out, I LOVED--it really started to sink in. I realized how much I had been hurt and how I had hurt others just by some stupid words that were said in the heat of the moment. I also realized that the majority of the time, the things I had said, I didn't mean...I had said them for the simple purpose of hurting the other person.

So wait a minute...if I was only saying things to hurt someone, they were probably only saying what they had said to hurt me, right? About 99% of the time, the answer is yes. Why not 100% of the time? Well, sometimes people really are ugly or they really do smell bad or maybe they really are poor. This doesn't justify someone saying it out loud to hurt the person, but this makes up for that other 1% (and usually in these cases, they are still just trying to hurt you).

Now, how did I let it roll off my back, you ask? I'll tell you. It's taken years and years of practice. I'm a pretty chubby girl and I've always been honest with myself about it. So when someone might tell me I'm fat, I didn't think anything of it because I knew it was true. I'm not the prettiest girl, my teeth aren't straight and white, my nose is slightly crooked, my eyes are kind of a lame color and my cheeks are really rosy. But you have to learn to own it. Be confident in who you are. If you want to change the way you look to make you feel more confident, that's fine. I feel better with myself when my hair is straight and cute and perfect and I have nice clothes on. But I can't always afford the newest nicest clothes and even when I have time to straighten my hair, it doesn't always look as it does when my hair stylist does it. But I know that I don't give up until I'm comfortable with the way I look if that's what I'm going for.

To me, confidence is one of the most attractive things in a girl or a guy. I'm not really looking for a relationship because I'm too career-minded at the moment, but that's what I look for in friendships. Are you confident? Do you like who you are? Can you own it like you're the most amazing person on the planet? Well, maybe not that last one, because there aren't many people on this earth who can do that. A lot of the time I can't even do that. I just don't know how to explain it. Some people call me conceited, a princess, a diva, but I just have this confidence in myself that I can do anything or be anything I want to be if I set my mind to it. I've always set goals for myself and if I for sure set that goal, you can almost guarantee it will be achieved.

Okay, straying from the path again. Back to that sticks and stones thing...over the last few years, I've heard some pretty awful things said about me or the people I hang out with. But it's usually just hearsay, they haven't said it to our faces. Now whether to believe it's true or not, that's up to you. But let's just say they're true. Now take a second, step back and think...is what they're really saying true about me? If you can honestly answer yes, you can change it or you can own it. If the answer is no, then they're just saying it to hurt you and make you look bad. But they usually end up making themselves look like idiots. So take that into consideration. Another thing you need to think about is...take another step back (humor me, it's for dramatic effect)...if they hate you so much, you probably don't care for them much either, so what are you saying about them? Probably some not so nice things, but see the vicious cycle. You don't mean most of those things you say, you just like saying them to make yourself feel better. Something else I thought of...if these people don't mean anything to you, why should you even be taking into consideration the things that they say, good or bad? If you don't have a meaningful place in my life, I really don't care what you have to say about me. I just really think it's hilarious that people spend amounts of time thinking some of these things up. Do they not have a life?

Now, I have a rule of thumb that I don't say hurtful things about others unless I know the person I'm saying it to feels the same way. That way, it's probably just gonna stay in your circle and it will be a little inside joke between you and your friends. And if they happen to see it on your Twitter account...well, that's their problem, they shouldn't have been stalking your Twitter account in the first place.

Now you're probably wondering what brought this on? Well, on Sunday, Gammy got mad at pretty much everyone in our family and she asked me a few questions that she wasn't ready to hear the answers to, so I was honest with her. She wanted to know why no one wanted to be around her, so I told her I didn't know if it was her radiation treatments or what, but she was being extra hateful lately and everyone in our family had seen a drastic change over the last week. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, blaming it on the radiation. So she tells me that she hopes Jesus gives me the "pleasure" of dealing with cancer like she is. And while hearing that from my grandmother is a little different than hearing it from a stranger, I knew she was just angry, so I just let it go. I turned around an walked off. When I told my sister about it, she asked if I was okay. I laughed and told her yeah, it didn't really even phase me. I found it slightly funny then and even funnier now because Gammy probably doesn't even remember that.

So just keep in mind, sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you (unless you let them). So keep your head held high, stay confident, stick with your pack and if all else fails...have a shot of tequila ;)

That's What Friends Are For

Yeah, yeah...I realized this is my second blog in one day, but I'm making up for lost time. But really though, I had something on my mind and I had to get it out there.

Now, I realize I'm only 24 and I have a lot more to learn, but I feel like I've learned a lot about friendship and true colors over the last few years. So I'm going to share a bit of that with you.

It really annoys me when people sit around and wonder why they don't have friends...or maybe they have friends, but no one really wants to hang out with them. I've had a few of these friends in the past. You get what you give...meaning: you have to put some effort into a relationship to get something out of it. If you want them to treat you a certain way, you have to reciprocate that treatment.

I'm not talking about being available every second of everyday, but just knowing that if I REALLY need you, you'll drop what you're doing and be there, just like I would for you. Also...don't make promises you can't keep. I realize things happen, plans go awry sometimes, but I know some people who constantly say "oh, I'll come over later," or "I'll be there at 7." And then they're either super late or don't show up at all. Is it so hard to  send a text or Facebook message or--heaven forbid--call the person to say "I'm running late," or "Something came up, I can't make it?" Because I really don't find it that hard to pick up my phone and do so. With that being said, I've done that before, but ONLY to people who have done that to me on more than one occasion.

I have trust issues and this just adds to the problem. I can count on one hand the number of people I can trust at least 85% of the time. I have zero people on this earth who I trust 100%. This doesn't mean the rest of the people I don't trust at all, I just don't trust them as much.

Now most of you know that I'm not a high maintenance person when it comes to friends and family. I like being by myself, I like to stay home and be lazy. I'm not the type of person who wants to go somewhere every single time we hang out. I'm also not the type of person who wants to talk (or hear you talk) the ENTIRE time we're together. Turn the radio up in the car and sing at the top of your lungs for crying out loud. Take Amber for example, we can drive around all day long and maybe say two words to each other, not because we're mad, not because we don't have anything to say, just because nothing NEEDS to be said.

Like I said before, I don't need someone to be available every second of everyday. Yeah, I like attention (okay, I love attention), but I don't want it from you unless you're willing to give it to me. I'm not going to stand on my head and hold my breath to get you to give me a second glance. That's not who I amI like friends who are 100% comfortable to just sit at the house and watch movies sometimes. I like going places, but sometimes I just don't feel up to it. And if you're going to be annoyed by this, then we probably shouldn't be friends. If you're the one wanting to see me, you should probably come to me, I can't come to you every single time.

I have a long-distance relationship with most of my CLOSE friends. Amber and Kaitlin are the exception...and Kait isn't really an exception because she lives 3 hours away. And I know I don't put in as much as I should when it comes to our friendship because I rarely go to OKC, but when I do, we try to meet up. And when she comes home and has time, we like to hang out, even if that means sharing iTunes libraries at home or going to get snow cones (see what I mean by not being high maintenance).

Anyway, back to the long-distance thing. Some people think it's weird, but seriously 3 of my 5 closest friends live out of state and not just a state over, one of them is two states away, another is 3 states away and another lives in Rhode Island. It's just how things work for me. I think it's because those relationships aren't high maintenance friendships. I explained it once as they're not here on a daily basis to let me down, because the more you're around a person, the more likely you are to be let down by that person. Does that make sense? We talk A LOT, Twitter, Facebook, texting, phone calls...those are our only means of communications. When you have a busy life and your friends have a busy life, it's hard to meet up once a week or even once a month sometimes, but when you have a means of communication that is always open, things work a little better.

Another thing...neediness. It goes hand-in-hand with being a high maintenance friend. These type of people are constantly grasping at straws, trying to get someone to hang out with them. Now some people will take the bait, but not me. Usually the more a person is trying to connect with me, the more I push away. When you're stalking my Facebook to find out where I'm at or what I'm doing, just so you can get your foot in, you probably need to reassess our friendship. I don't want to be around anyone 24/7 or even 12/3.5 or...well, whatever half of 12/3.5 is. Once again, I'm just not that type of person. I get sick of people easily. And if you're constantly wanting me to come over, I'm probably not going to. If you want to hang out so bad, you can come by my house, I'm usually here, like I said, I don't like to leave.

Something else that bothers me, if you want to go do something so bad, don't rush me. If I'm going to just hang out at your house, I will come over with messy hair and no makeup. But if you're wanting to go shopping or something, you must be willing to wait at least an hour (usually longer) before I even think about walking out that door. If you're not, you probably should ask someone else.

I must say, I'm not the best friend...sometimes I'm not even a good friend at all, but I try. I put effort into my relationships, I keep my promises and I try not to bother people unless I have something to say. So if you're wanting to be in my good graces, you follow these few guidelines. I don't think they're too tedious.

Um, I think I covered everything that's been on my mind. Thanks for reading :)

Adventures of an Auntie

Wow...this has been a heck of a week.

It all started last Wednesday when I was working with my little Caiden. Amber texted me to tell me she was pretty sure it was time to head to the hospital. So as soon as Caiden's granny got home from running errands, I was out the door, headed home to tie up a few loose ends and grab my bags.

We got to the hospital around 7:30, got her all checked in and stuff, poor Amber was puking her guts up. She was super dehydrated because she had been sick most of the day. They gave her a shot for the nausea and started giving her fluids. Honestly, at this point, I was just thinking the contractions were caused from the dehydration and they would send her home. I'm pretty sure that's what everyone else was thinking too. But after sitting there for a few hours with contractions not dying down and Amber in a lot of pain, they realized she was dilating. So after a little more waiting, they finally gave her some pain medicine that knocked her smooth out.

Jack got up there about 11:30 and Amber's grandma came by for a little while. That whole night was kind of a blur. Amber was knocked out and Jack and I couldn't sleep. I stretched out in a recliner-like thing (wasn't as comfortable) and tried to sleep around 2 or so, but couldn't sleep. Around 5:30, Jack and I got hungry, so he went to McDonald's and got us some breakfast. We got our bellies full and around 6:30, we were finally able to fall asleep. That's when the dang anesthesiologist came barging in to do the epidural...Jack couldn't get out of there fast enough and I about passed out (but didn't) when he gave it to her.

More of the blurring happened, she was dilating slow, so they broke her water and gave her some pitocin to speed things up. Eventually, she made it to an 8...then they realized the baby's head wasn't where it was supposed to (yeah, why the heck didn't they check that hours before). So they got an ultrasound tech in there to figure out that Lizzy's head was near Amber's rib cage. Didn't even formally tell her she had to have a c-section, the nurse just came in and asked who was going to surgery with her. So after a quick debate, we decided Jack would go to surgery with her.

And at 1:41 PM on March 8th, Alyzabeth Shae was born. Shortly thereafter, Jack carried her to the nursery as I snapped pictures while we walked down the hall. Amber's mom and preacher were waiting on us when we got back to the labor & delivery ward. Lizzy was wide awake just looking around, content as could be. She weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 19 inches long.

I had planned on staying the night with Amber because we didn't really know if Jack was going to. So when he decided to stay, I decided to go home and get some sleep. Jack had to leave for work at 6:30 the next morning and Amber could barely pick the baby up to change her diaper, so even though the nurses could help, we didn't want to leave her there alone, so we decided it would be best if I came back to sit with her. I think I went to bed around 7 that night...talk about tired.

So after Lizzy losing a few ounces, the on-call doctor for the weekend didn't want to release them. So I had Yazzie (and Riley, Jaxie and Lulu) most of the day on Monday. But finally on Monday evening, Amber's doctor let them go and I got to drive them home since Jack was at work. And since Jack had to work yesterday, that put Amber home with both girls by herself, so I went over to help her out and cook them dinner. Talk about a whirlwind of a week, This auntie is definitely exhausted, but I wouldn't change any of it (well, maybe the part of Lizzy being breach) for anything.

Hello...Is This Thing On?

I honestly could not tell you the last time I did an actual blog post. I had to go back an look...4 months and 1 day ago. A lot has happened since then, but most of it has been a little on the dark side. Meaning: I couldn't post about it without pissing some or all of my family off. So for my own well-being I kept to myself. But let's just say it's been a rough few months and I've spent the majority of it in my room with my door shut. That's how I like things. I like being alone. And yeah, this probably sounds like I'm the most depressed person right now, but I'm actually not, I'm very happy with life right now and I'm in a really good mood today.

So a little update on life...I started my final semester in college in January and this week marks the midterm point, meaning only 8 more weeks until graduation. Yes, it's taken me 6 whole years to get through this. If I hadn't switched my major, it wouldn't have taken this long, but I don't regret the switch, I love my major and I love my career path. I really can't believe I've made it...I remember being a junior and senior in high school thinking I'd never make it, simply because I was from Keota, not many people from my small town ever graduate (or even go to) college. My parents didn't graduate, my sister didn't go. So how was I supposed to do it? This is a super proud moment for me, I get to brag a little.

For those wanting to know about Gammy...I'm not 100% sure on details. We don't get along very well these days and I try to stay out of her way. Therefore, I don't know much of what's going on. She's been in and out of the hospital and she's still taking radiation and some type of IV treatment to make sure her cancer doesn't come back, I'm pretty sure she said she's doing that through at least September. Her hair is finally growing back following her chemo treatments, so that has definitely boosted her spirits.

What else? I'm currently in a holding pattern waiting for niece number 3 to be born. As some of you know, Amber (my best friend since second grade) is pregnant with her second daughter. No, they're not biologically my nieces, but I treat them as such. Elizabeth Shae was supposed to arrive March 6th. However, this stubborn little girl has decided she likes being in her mommy's belly too much. After going to extreme measures to make sure Amber didn't go into early labor in January, I guess Lizzy has decided to pay us back for that. We thought she was ready to be born, but at Amber's last doctor's appointment, she had moved back up to where the doctor couldn't induce if he wanted to. So we're hoping she moves back down this week to where Amber can be induced soon. Wondering why this is such a big deal to me? I get to be in the delivery room when she's born! I'm not gonna lie, I'm super nervous about this. I've obviously never gone through birthing a child, nor have I witnessed one. It will definitely be an experience and I think it will bond me to this little girl forever.

After the baby is born, I plan on getting a job so I can save some money for my big move. Where am I moving? Well, I'm keeping my options open, but my heart is set on one place in particular, but if you don't already know, you probably won't find out until I'm ready to move. I like keeping it on the down-low :)

Other than that, there's not a whole lot going on in my life. It's Saturday and I have nothing to do all day long, so I decided to get a little blogging in :)