So as upset as I am, I probably shouldn't be writing this blog, but this is something that's been weighing on my mind for awhile, I'm just too nice to say it on a normal day. But doesn't it suck when you do something to help someone out and it just comes back to bite you in the butt? Yeah, it pretty much does.
So some of you may know, back in May or June, my dad got this "great new job" and he was gonna do this and help me out with that and blah, blah, blah. So when their car died, after much thought and discussion, I decided to let them use my car. Okay, I was going to give them my car in exchange for a new car that he and my mom would make payments on until he paid off the value of my car, by that time I would hopefully have a job and be able to take over payments myself. I had thought by the end of the summer I would have a new (to me...not necessarily new) car that I could drive back and forth to school. Well, then Gam got sick. So that kinda put a damper on things because she was supposed to be the one to co-sign for me a car through her credit union so I could get a low interest rate.
I don't let that get me down too much, I keep looking for cars. Mom and I planned a trip to Florida in November, I was gonna have a new car by then that we could drive down there, things would be great. Deadlines started coming, excuses kept flying and I started realizing a trip to Florida wasn't gonna happen. Did I mention in the mean time, I'm driving the van to school? Not too bad, it's a nice vehicle, but it doesn't like taking the curves in the mountains at 70 mph very much and it's a pain in the ass to park!
School started two months ago. I was thinking I'm moving to Nashville in January, no big deal, I'll have a car by then. I've had no social life all summer long, I can handle it a little bit longer. But now the outlook is grim and I feel like I'm never going to get out of here. I am seriously losing my freaking mind staying here, being tormented by those demons that have always said "you'll never make it, you might as well give up now, you're never going to achieve those dreams." I'm just so sick of being here that I can barely stand it and I don't know what to do because I have no way out. The only time I can do something I want to do is if it's planned wayyyy ahead of time or if Kambrye comes to get me or if I go somewhere in the middle of the night. And let's face it, my friends can't hang out in the middle of the night. Oh or when I go to class on Wednesdays and even then I'm lucky that things don't get planned over that. Sometimes I drive around after class just so I don't have to go home. I'm tired of getting yelled at and having people pick fights with me just because they're in the mood to argue.
And here's the kicker, I had this good job, I didn't have a set schedule, but I was paid well and treated even better. It gave me some extra spending money so I didn't have to spend my "moving money," and I was able to help out a friend when she needed me. I haven't been able to work since my dad started using my car. And I haven't seen Jeannie and Caiden in almost 3 months. So I stopped by there today to tell her I could probably start working weekend nights because we had two vehicles. Well, the one weekend I need a vehicle to go to WORK, my sister is taking the van to go to Oklahoma City and my parents are taking my car to go to Oklahoma City. Awesome. So I guess I get to call Jeannie tomorrow and tell her to not make plans because her sitter is unreliable.
So here we are, 4 months later and things are still the exact same way they were in June, except I'm a lot more pessimistic and definitely loosing my sanity and patience. Life is so freakin' overrated sometimes and I'm ready to give up on mine at the moment.
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